Found this paragraph in "The Science of Diskworld II: The Globe" by Terry Pratchett, Ian Stewart and Jack Cohen. This is from one of the science sections.

"Competition between tribes was intense, and even today some jungle tribes in South America and New Guinea think nothing of killing anyone they meet who comes from a different tribe. This is a reversion to the "bash on the head" option, now one group cooperates to bash the other group's members on the head. Or, usually, one such member at a time. Less than a century ago, most such tribes did the same (one of the stories we've told ourselves throughout our tribal history is that we are The People, The True Human Beings - which means that everyone else isn't)."

I think this sums up pretty well my feelings on tribalism and isolationism. By withdrawing back into isolated communities we narrow the definition of what is human and that gives us a rational to act abyssmally to the "non"-humans.

I will admit that I am very decidely a child of the enlightenment and modern society. I believe that all men are created equal. Or to put it in more modern terms, all humans are created equal. That we are all part of this planet and that we need to all get along and come to some sort of peace. We can't do that if we withdraw into our individual compounds where we spin stories about how much better we are than other people not in our group.

-Aud

A friend kindly sent me some books on Rev. Jiyi-Kennett. She was one of the first foreigners and women to ever study in Japan and become a Zen master. Its been a very interesting read. At one point she discusses the reason for ceremony. But first you need to know that in the Zen tradition, and I think probably all Buddhist traditions, you meditate to achieve a connection with the Buddha. Here is something her teacher said about ceremony and ritual:

"By doing ceremonial we can see that meditation is in all things, in all work, in all places. .... As we stand still to recite Scriptures we can know that, whether we are lying down, standing up or sitting still, that which is within us can be still and complete. Always, the movement and the stillness are one thing; always the going, going, going on. Sometimes a priest places incense on the altar and sometimes he smells a cabbage in the pot. Sometimes he sits in the Mediation Hall and sometimes he goes to the toilet. Whatever he does must be a religious act; an act of the Buddha; for all work is the work of a Buddha. If he can see any difference between the secular and the sacred then he does not understand Buddhism at all."

I feel sometimes that in heathenism and paganism, people lose focus on our connection to diety (ies). They are with us no matter where we are. Its not just during rituals. Its not just when we "invoke" them. There should be no difference between sacred and secular acts. We need to forge that deep connection with diety and that connection will be part of every act we do.

I've beeen getting into more and more into Buddhist meditation and philosohpy. And I practice yoga! But I'm still a heathen. The sneaky thing about Buddhism is that it doesn't require that you practice it instead of having a faith in gods or dieties. Its about exploring yourself and becoming a better person. Very different from the big 3 western monotheistic traditions. I really have to wonder what would have happened to European religious and spiritual traditions if we had remained dominantly polytheistic over the last 2 millenia.

So what am I now? I hate the term universalist because its used as such a negative and dismissive term by the tribalists. Am I a Contemplative Heathen? I really don't know.

From my past posts you can guess that work has been less than stellar lately. I've been trying ot tough things out and I've given myself several things to wait for to see if they improve the situation. Two of those things was someone to help me and a reevaluation of my pay and position. My new hire turned out to be more pain than help. My director is not doing much about it. I've lost a lot of faith in him over this. Then yesterday I got the result of my job audit. I will get a title change from computer applications analyst to systems analyst. I will go up 1 grade and I'm getting a $2.81/hour raise. Sounds great, but from the little research I've done I'm underpaid by more like $7 to $10/hour. So I'm still terribly underpaid.

I know that claiming you're underpaid is a common whine. I know its my responsibility to prove that I'm underpaid. The best way I can see this happening is by getting out there and interviewing and getting other job offers. Because of a lot of things I've pretty much decided I should leave, but I still waffle on that. The question I have now is when do I leave? How much do I owe my current employer?

We have a major 7 figure software installation project happening right now. It won't be even close to completion until this fall. I think I'd like to stay through that point. Right on the heels of that is another major project and a move.

My other option is in 8 months do the market research to ask for another raise, but how do I do that? I need information that HR will accept and I don't think the salary calculator at Monster.com will suffice.

Why can't I win the lottery?

So I got a new employee/co-worker at my work, who I've been calling Laughing Boy. In the first week of being on the job he had initally refused 2 assignments. He eventually did them, but with very bad grace. He's been arrogant and very difficult to work with. He's mispoken in front of directors and vendors. I tried to counsel him about how we work at this institution. You can't just make ultimatums about how things are going work, especially when you haven't talked to anyone in those areas and have no idea about our work flow. He was aggressive and took the counseling with poor grace. It's never his fault, you know. After a week of this I took it to my director and said "I can't take this. This isn't going to work out." He said he would deal with it. HR said we had to put the guy on a performance improvement plan instead of just firing his ass. Since then my director hasn't done anything as far as I can tell. No performance plan. No counseling of the problem. Nothing. Lauging Boy is trying to be better and not piss so many people off. I think he began to realize he was close to being canned.

This is kind of the final straw on the camel's back. Work has been stressful, but I've liked the folks I work with. Now I feeled betrayed by my director and mad that I have to deal with this jerk. I know Laughing Boy is putting on a much better face, but I don't trust him and I wonder when the facade will crack. My stress level has been beyond the event horizon for several weeks. I lost 6 pounds in 1.5 weeks because I couldn't eat. I'm facing the fact that I don't want to work here as long as Laughing Boy is my co-worker. I will TOTALLY fuck over my department if I leave this summer (we're in the middle of a major software roll ou that will take until at least January and then we're moving our hospital to a new campus after that) And that makes me feel very petty, but I just can't take it any more. I'm at the point where either he goes or I go. But yet I feel guilty.

My husband and I were talking this weekend about the push to recreate ancient religions and the folks that want to recreate the "ancient mindset" (whatever that means). And he brought up an interesting point that's been stuck in my head. Some folks like to make fun of people of European descent getting involved in things like native american spirituality. Wannabe is one of the kinder terms I've heard used. But when it comes down to it, how exactly are the heathen/pagan reconstructionists any different? At least the people interested in native american spirituality having a living tradition to guide them, even if they aren't part of the tribal structure. We're trying to reconstruct something based on incomplete writings, usually made by folks that weren't even pagans.

So when it comes down to it, if you're not pursuing a deeper spiritual connection, how are you doing anything other than dress up for adults?

Some of you may know that I've been a little discontented with work. I'm buried so deep in work that I can't keep up. There is hope because they are hiring someone to help me. The job's been posted and we're interviewing folks. But..... I've barely gotten more than cost of living for the last 5 years even though my responsibilities have grown by leaps and bounds. It all came to a head last week when I got a job posting for Aurora Public Schools. The job does essentially what I do now, except that the position only supports 1 software package where I support more than 15. The minimum pay for that job is $14,000 more than I make now. A public school can afford to pay $14,000 more than a hospital?!?!?!?! And that's the MINIMUM PAY? This got me mad and I started doing some research. Monster.com puts my job duties at a salary where $14,000 more than I make right now is considered 25th%, median is $23,000 more than I make now and 75th% is $33,000 more than I make. What the fuck?!?! Even if Monster pitches salaries high, that's still huge.

Am I really that underpaid?

Just as I'm getting ready to gear up a job search because I'm tired of working at a place where the boss won't recognize that I'm that underpaid, I get an e-mail from HR asking me to do a job audit. It was a very thorough look at what I'm doing right now. It literally took me 6 hours to complete. My boss and I both sign it. In the process I get to talk to the boss about the Aurora PS job and how I think I'm underpaid and I would like to do a salary/job review. He gives me the green light. I'm beginning to realize that he's pretty dense about this kind of stuff. I don't think he's ever really managed people on a day to day basis. When I return my job audit to HR I ask for a job review. Turns out this audit is going to be a job review any way.

Keep your fingers crossed for me and say a little prayer. I could be looking at a significant raise in the next couple of months. If I get it, I stay. If I don't I walk.

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Dry your nail varnish the fast and fun way with the super-cute Blow Monkey. If you're tired of flapping your hands about like you've got some kind of nervous tic in an attempt to dry your nail varnish, this is for you. The Blow Monkey Nail Dryer is unlike any beauty gadget you've ever seen before. Press on his plate of bananas, and this sweet little simian blows cool air onto your wet nails. The air jet is just powerful enough to help your nails dry more quickly, but not so powerful that it blows your carefully applied polish off. It is the cuteness of this cheeky little chimp which will make you buy it. It is powered by 2 AAA batteries and it's auto-off switch helps to save power.

I guess I must be a freak. I don't see the point in getting together with family when we don't get along. So why did my sister want to get us all together under one roof when she knows that she and my mother clash? My sister's bitchy and my mom is scared to death of saying something that will set her off. It's like she's trying to exact revenge on my mother for the crappy time we had growing up.

Of course my sister has plenty of things to mad about from growing up. It was pretty shitty. But why be mad 30 years later? Why let it rule your life like that? It's just so sad to see.

As you can probably guess the family get together over the holidays was less than successful. My sister was nasty to my mother and I get tired of it. I don't play the family games that well any more. I'm not going to pretend that something is not happening when it clearly is. News Flash for my family: there is an elephant in the living room. Covering it in a doily tablecloth doesn't change that fact. And tap dancing around it doesn't make it go away.

After calling my sister on her behavior she got very mad and eventually changed her flight plans to leave early. This caused my mother to quietly cry in private for a couple of days.

I just love my family. I hope other people had a good holiday, at least.

I think the land wights around my building are not very happy right now. Either that or we have some trickster spirit around.

This morning: A water line bursts in the Health Sciences building. The water from the water line hits some chemicals causing a reaction. At first people thought it was a fire. There were huge billowing clouds of smoke, but once the firefighter got close the realized the problem and called the Haz Mat team. Lovely. The Health Science building was evacuated. My building is across the street from this one and we connect to it via an office building/bridge over the street.

This afternoon: The VA hospital is RIGHT next door. I could be there in literally a minute walk. There's some construction that pierced a gas line causing a MAJOR gas leak. The VA was evacuated, but we stayed in our building. It STINKS to high heaven here right now.

I'm beginning to wonder if my building is going to be standing tomorrow.

-Aud